I Hope You
by Bohemian Storm
Summary: Before returning to Hogwarts, Remus Lupin wrestles with the mysterious well wishes of his friend from years earlier.


**Disclaimer**:  The characters belong to J.K. Rowling.  The song used is by LeAnn Rimes.

**Notes**:  This song came on while I was at work and the idea simply flooded me.  There's no better way to explain it.  This could easily be slash, but it could also easily not be slash.  You decide whatever works best for you and read it in that context.  Set in the summer before PoA takes place.

**I Hope You . . .**

_By Bohemian Storm_

_I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean_

_Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens_

_Promise me you'll give faith a fighting chance . . ._

            It had been years already, twelve to be exact, since Sirius Black had gone to Azkaban prison for murdering Peter Pettigrew and a dozen innocent Muggles.  It was over and done with, his fate had been sealed and the entire world had moved on.  Every single person in the Wizarding world had forgotten about him, placed him in the back of their minds and just pretended that he had never existed.  Everyone had managed to do so with ease, with the exception of one.

            Remus Lupin didn't like to pretend; he had never had an expansive imagination, even when he was a child.  He never wanted to pretend to be someone or something else, but his parents always blamed that on the lycanthropy.  Who would want to play make believe after being forced to grow up so quickly?

            He had never liked to pretend and the idea of imagining that Sirius had died with the rest turned his stomach.  They were no longer four, they were only two.  One was in Azkaban and the other was locked inside his own turmoils, but they were both still alive, still part of the Marauders.  There was still two and he couldn't pretend otherwise.  Wormtail and Prongs may have died, but Moony and Padfoot were still very much alive.

            Life had changed very much since then, of course, he wouldn't pretend that it hadn't any more than he would pretend Sirius was dead.  His entire world had been turned upside down and inside out in the past twelve years.  His life followed a very wavy line, up, then down, then up and then down again.  It hadn't gone very far up in the past decade and he didn't know whether he had himself or his old friends to blame for that.  

            There were some nights when he couldn't even sleep, especially during the warm summer months when the air was moist and clung to his skin.  Humidity filled the tiny flat he lived in, making the air seem heavy, like it was weighing down on him, trying to suffocate him.  He could never breathe that air.  It seemed too thick, too heavy and wet.  He hated the flat and the air.  He hated it more than he hated anything, even Sirius's betrayal, because it was the wet, sticky air that forced him to walk.

            He hated walking, because walking went hand in hand with thinking about things that needed to be forgotten.  It was so easy for everyone else to forget, but not for him.  Everyone else didn't have those words to deal with.  The last words Sirius had ever said to him still floated in his head and pulled at his heartstrings.  He wanted to understand them, but he couldn't.  He refused to try; it was like trying to dissect the brain of the nearly dead man.  It was too hard and too painful, so instead of trying to understand them he just remembered them.

            He remembered them with perfect clarity as his shoes fell softly on the damp sidewalk that glowed in the street lamps.  He remembered the day, the hour, and the second that those words had been spoken.  Exactly seven minutes later he had been told about Sirius's betrayal and his mind had immediately flashed back to his friend and those words.  He hadn't understood them when they had been spoken and thought that maybe with the revelation of his friend's betrayal they would make sense.

            Twelve years later he still couldn't understand what Sirius had meant.

            _"I have to go," Sirius whispered fiercely, tears in his eyes._

_            They were standing just outside Hogsmeade and Remus realized in that moment that he had never seen Sirius cry before._

_            "Padfoot, what's wrong?" Remus asked._

_            Sirius blinked quickly, trying to clear the storm that threatened in those clear grey eyes, then turned away when a tear fell.          _

_            "I just have to go," he repeated._

_            "Where are James and Lily?" Remus asked.  "Weren't they supposed to meet us?"_

_            "I have to find Peter," Sirius said._

_            Remus frowned.  "Wormtail?  Why?"_

_            "I hope you'll understand one day."_

_            Remus shook his head.  "Padfoot, I need you to tell me what's going on.  You're so agitated, this isn't like you."_

_            Instead of an answer, Sirius hooked an arm behind Remus's neck and pulled him close, hugging him fervently.  Remus could feel his friend trembling against him and he felt hot tears prick his own eyes for unknown reasons.  His own arms came up around Sirius's waist and he hugged back, feeling as though, for whatever strange reason, that this was his friend's way of saying goodbye._

_            "I hope you . . ." Sirius whispered against his ear._

_            Remus frowned.  "What?"_

_            "Oh, Merlin."  The voice against his throat was nothing like he had ever heard.  Hearing that voice hurt him, caused an ache way deep down in the place he knew his heart must be and forced it all the way up into his throat and then to the backs of his eyes where the ache was turned into burning tears.  _

_            "Everything's gone so wrong, Moony.  Everything is just falling apart, but I hope you . . ." he trailed off again, unable to finish the sentence._

_            "Padfoot, what?"_

_            "I hope you dance," Sirius whispered, then kissed Remus's forehead and disappeared from the room._

            "I hope you dance," Remus murmured into the night.  It still haunted him.  There was a meaning behind those words, he was sure of it, but with Sirius in Azkaban he was also certain that he would never know what that meaning was.  

            A breeze lifted the leaves on the trees and the humid night air for a brief second and Remus paused to enjoy the feel of it against his skin.  In five weeks he would leave behind the horrible little flat and the summer air.  In a little more than a month he would return to a place where the memories and pain were still too fresh and too emotionally damaging.  It would hurt to be back there, but he wanted nothing more than to return.  He wanted to hurt because the pain reminded him of the words and he was determined that something there would help him understand what they meant.

            Perhaps if he had returned home then and turned on the news like he sometimes did when suffering from insomnia he would know exactly why he wanted to go back so badly.  If Remus had returned to his flat and learned of Sirius's escape, he would wonder why it happened that they would both return to Hogwarts at the same time.  Upon finding out, he knew his friend would go back to the place he felt most at home, there was never any doubt that Sirius would go back there.

            Maybe if he had known that the entire country was on alert for the escaped murderer, he wouldn't have been so eager to wander alone at night and think about the words that plagued him even more than his friends' deaths.

            But Remus Lupin didn't know about any of this, so he continued to walk, remembering the night Sirius had said goodbye and murmuring the words under his breath.  He turned them over and over in his mind, running through them again and again.  He was so deep in thought that he didn't even notice the large black dog watching him carefully as he went up the stairs to the door of his flat.  

            Maybe if he had seen he would have an answer to his question, but instead he simply went to bed without turning on the television and fell asleep with the words in his mind and on his tongue.  He slept fitfully, dreams tossing turbulently in his mind.  He dreamed about a lank, dirty man in his window whispering the words that Sirius had said to him so many years ago.  He dreamed that the man had the answer, but refused to share.

            He dreamed of Sirius dying and those words were the last on his lips.

            For a brief second, Remus thought he might understand, but the understanding was lost as he drifted deeper into sleep and stopped moving restlessly in the night.

            The thin man in the window smiled sadly and disappeared.

_Give the heavens above more than just a passing glance_

_And when you get the chance to sit out or dance_

_. . . I hope you dance_

End


End file.
